Practicing Grace

On this lovely sunfilled day this tired mama had the opportunity to both choose grace, and practice grace. I did neither one of those perfectly but it really taught me a lesson. Today the tiny girl and I packed in a morning and afternoon of fun, sun, and friends. Upon arriving home it was obvious that we were both over-sunned and over-funned. As we walked in the house Amelia immediately began to protest the fact that we used the front door rather than the garage door. Then it was the awful way I made her take off her shoes. Don't even get me started on the diaper change and hand washing that had to happen. Everything mama did and asked her to do made her as mad as her little self could be. I am not going to lie....I was not being very patient or overly concerned with the very big feelings our tiny girl was having. I went about each motion despite her protesting. Off went her shoes, washed were her hands, and I changed her diaper despite her shrieks of anger. The reality that my sweet girl doesn't understand is that each of those things needed to happen in order for me to do what she needed...hold her in my lap and allow her to settle herself in for some comfort and a nap, or so I thought. Amelia has a really hard time regulating her emotions when she feels like she is being controlled. I know what you may be thinking....those are pretty advanced understandings for a two year old, yet this two year old spent her first 18 months having very little control over her life due to medical needs and visits with bio parents so she really works hard to control situations now. For the most part we try to give her as much control as is safe, yet there will always be moments in her life when as her parents we need to take over and control her little world for a bit in order to both ensure her safety and keep her progressing forward health and wellness wise. So today despite her need to be heard I did what needed to be done. I wish I would have made a different choice. What she needed was Grace...a moment where I would just let her remain dirty, and stinky and hold her close to me anyway. A moment where she could feel her big feelings and cry and scream and know I was still going to be here, holding her, calling her my beautiful beloved. Instead she got a tired mama who turned her back on therapeutic parenting in order to complete the tasks at hand. So when I finally stepped outside my own tired self, I realized what she needed...perhaps a little later than I should have. I gathered her in my arms as she screamed and thrashed about and I just held her. Her resolve weakened when she realized all I was offering was an embrace. She could cry, scream, and wail and I would hold her. After about 2 minutes of screaming she calmed down to an exhausted hicup.sigh.cry and we rocked on and on. After she was finally sleeping. I was imagining a nice quiet afternoon filled with reading and eating bon bons with my feet up on soft fluffy pillow....or maybe I was just excited for the 30 minutes I would have to sort through laundry and do dishes without a shadow. Alas my phone rang shortly after Amelia settled down. It was a tearful call from my middle daughter....she lost her phone and missed her bus. getting her to be responsible with her phone has been an uphill battle and she was feeling a lot of guilt and fear. So it was my chance today to get it right...so I held in my own big feelings made my own tearful phone call to my husband, pulled up my big girl panties, woke the baby kraken and went to go get Hannah. I wanted to yell, I wanted to discipline and I wanted her to take responsibility for her actions. However the look on her face when I went to her school told me she was already doing all those to herself. So it was my chance to show her grace, and to teach her how to accept it even when she feels she doesn't deserve it. So with some help from find my Iphone and a dad who knows how to work tech stuff we did find her phone and she calmed herself down. As we drove home she explained she was so afraid she let me down, and afraid I was disappointed and mad. I then explained to her this....some days we make the wrong choice and having a family means that even when we make the wrong choice we have a soft place to land. So while I do want her to make smarter choices, I myself make the wrong decisions many times each day....and I am so thankful for a heavenly Father who continues to love me despite myself. So today I made the wrong choice, beat myself up about...finally forgave myself and immediately got to teach my daughter that same lesson. Today I am thankful as a parent that mistakes or not God continues to mold me to be a mother who shows Grace, and humbles herself to receive Grace. The bible talks about the Grace we were given with the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, these 2 verses John 16 and 17 are great verses for kids and moms to look up and memorize together, especially verse 17. "16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." John 1:16-17

When life Gets too Comfortable

In February of this year we finalized the adoption of our daughter Amelia. What an incredible moment that was for us. I will not lie; I was a hot mess about it. As in call the attorney every day, panic that something would be missing, cry, laugh, sigh and repeat. I think it’s the nature of this process of adopting through the state. You learn very early on as a foster placement that it is never a good thing to get too comfortable with the way things are because that will be the precise moment that things change. Amelia joined our family at birth but she was 2 years old when we finalized her adoption. If you want to learn more about our fostering journey you can visit my other blog, andreaislaughing.blogspot.com. So now we are resting in the afterglow of the adoption. The judge that finalized our adoption compared it to marriage. When an adoption happens it’s a choice that a family makes to remain together. So with that thought we began to get comfortable and life began to feel safe. We delighted in cutting Amelia’s hair without having permission, not having to document bumps and bruises and leaving the state without formal permission. Life became easy, or at least a tad bit easier. Then it happened, not right away, but now lately it is creeping up on me…..I miss it. I miss being a part of families learning to survive and thrive. I miss watching a mother learn to be just that a mother. I miss holding a sweet newborn in my arms and being a placeholder for their parents while they figure out life. As those thoughts and words fly out of my mouth all I can think is, “my goodness I must be CRAZY!” I better not say this to anyone else or they will definitely order a strait jacket in my size. The truth is this. I am not used to easy, or comfortable. I am conditioned to keeping my house tidy for drop in visits and buying baby clothes at least every year or so. What is not familiar to me is the lack of a baby in my home. I am not complaining. It’s amazing to watch my family become stronger, and more tight knit as we have rest from the emotional tidal wave that is foster family life. Yes something remains there under the surface…the call of loving people where they are at and encouraging them to become more. Holding a sick baby and aiding in making them well. I miss wrapping my arms around a new mom and promising to take good care of her precious baby while she learns for possibly the first time in her life to take care of herself. Go ahead and say it….I will even say it with you….”that’s crazy.” I know…I know….and still. Our family is well and feeling settled. There is plenty of room for everyone and we are committed to truly just enjoying our family. Yet my heart it still longs to be a part of loving people from a broken place and encouraging them in their healing. Praying with moms struggling to let go of a lifetime of shame and accept that healing and redemption do happen. For now I will hold my girls tighter and be an example in their lives. I will be praying that God would meet each of them where they are and show them the path that leads to him. I recently had a personal experience that made me challenge myself to grow as a mama to my girls, that my compassion would be evident and my joy in mothering them obvious. I hope that my kids see Christ in me so that as they choose their paths in life maybe someday they will be a safe landing place for someone in a rough spot. Maybe the face reflecting love and acceptance to someone will be theirs. Right now life feels comfortable...who knows what tomorrow will bring.