Forgiveness

Sometimes you just....have to bear your heart even when its a little bit ugly. Tomorrow morning I have to do something...well...something unpleasant at best. In truthfulness I have to do something that is about to eat away at my heart, and very well would if I let it. Tomorrow I have to give an victim impact statement...against my mother. It is hard to put that information out there, its hard to know that some of you reading this may very well even know my mother. However this is just another part of the story God continues to write of my life. My mother stole from me, something precious, it was not very valuable but the cost of what she took was priceless. I am very aware of the belief that as a Christian maybe we should not bring a fellow Christian to court, or that we must deal in forgiveness and love. Trust me, I do know this. However after much prayer and some insight by fellow Christians whom I love and respect I decided to go this route. I am not interested in financial compensation, nor am I terribly concerned with her getting a hefty jail sentence. What I am searching for is an avenue that leads to forgiveness. For me, as her daughter; as the one who continually defended her despite wiser testimony and counsel this is an important step in my move forward. Yet this step might as well be a walk across broken glass. For as long as I can remember I have busied myself with the task of being my mothers keeper. I was her defender, her best friend, her confidant. What I never was at least not past the age of 14, was her daughter, her beloved, her precious one. It is far too tempting to air out all the areas of my life where my heart was damaged by her careless handling of it, however I am desperately trying to allow the healing balm of my Savior to rest upon those wounds so that in their place there is only healing and restoration. I am settling my heart on the words that Paul wrote to the church of Colosse. Starting in chapter 3:12-15 "Therefore as God's chosen people holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the love of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." So as I am preparing this statement tonight after tucking my own little ones into bed it hit me just how much this grief and anger has overtaken my life and my heart. I have allowed this loss to rule my emotions and give credit to my sadness. I am not grieving the stone and metal theft. The loss of a valuable item. I am grieving the loss of a person, a parent, a mother and the reality that no matter how hard I work at making mothering easy for her, she cannot provide for me what I wanted and I need to forgive her for that. I need to forgive her for not being enough and for making me feel the same. I need to forgive her for walking around feeling like an adult orphan. I need to forgive her for making it painful to watch healthy mother daughter relationships, I need to forgive her for the fear her actions created in my own heart; that somehow I will not be a good enough wife or mother, that I will let my own family suffer. I need to forgive her....yet I don't need to enable her. I don't need to be soft and not speak truth. So tomorrow I will do just that. I will ask for accountability and I will offer her forgiveness. Its all I have left to offer her. I have no idea if we will ever have a restored relationship. I don't know and can't even imagine what that would look like. I will be honest and say that it is hard for me to not revert back to the insecure daughter who just wants to be pleasing. So I need to forgive myself to. I need to forgive myself for being a doormat, for letting my family and myself be hurt, for not listening to reason, for being vulnerable. Tonight I am praying that God would show me how to be compassionate tomorrow, how to be kind, yet strong, That forgiveness would come readily and be accepted in whatever capacity my mother is able to provide. That tomorrow the only thing that would rule in my heart is Christ, not fear, not anger, not resentment or brokenness, but just Jesus. Tomorrow I have to be a grown up, be a believer, be a forgiver and let go the torch of self righteous anger, lay down my own pride. Tomorrow I have to speak truth so that deception has no place, yet I need to do so without bitterness staining my lips. So tonight I will pray for a reminder of how God does and continually will forgive my own damaged areas of my life and heart, the places I hide my ugliness and the areas where my actions are not pleasing to my King. Pray for me friends. This is a tender are of my heart and life.